Oh sweetheart, it’s just a phase...
... don’t worry about it,” my mum said when she came to give me a hug before bed. She kissed me on the head, turned off the light, and closed my bedroom door. Time to sleep. I was thirteen, and after my mum’s words, sleep was the last thing on my mind. I had just told her about Lieke, my very first crush, and Lieke had been haunting my thoughts for weeks. I wanted to chat with her, go to the cinema with her, walk on the beach with her, hold her hand, cuddle her, run my fingers through her hair, kiss her. You know, that deep, intense first crush feeling. I had expected mum to be happy that I was in love. I shared almost everything with her, and I really wanted to share my crush with her too. But instead of the support I had expected, I got a cold shower—sudden, blunt, and confusing. Why is Lieke just a phase? Don’t these feelings count? What am I supposed to be worried about?
Before I went to bed that night...
...there was nothing I thought I couldn’t talk to my mum about. But when I woke up, suddenly, there was something. Mum never brought it up again the next morning. And every morning after that, it remained silent. No words of support, no conversation. It became a ‘non-thing’ between us. And I kept quiet too, not knowing how to deal with her silence. But I was sure this wasn’t just a phase. After Lieke came Paul, Nadieh, Miranda, Sophie. All crushes I couldn’t quite understand, couldn’t act on, and never talked to my parents about.
After that night, I didn’t dare bring up my sexuality for a long time. I genuinely didn’t know what the people around me thought about queer relationships. I heard almost everyone say they were open to it, that it was okay. But I saw very little of that in reality. “Dykes, lesbians, perverts, disgusting, don’t do that in public…” One ‘joke’ after another was thrown my way. At school, during sports, at birthdays. I laughed it off, but it hurt my heart. For years, I stayed in that closet. Safe from others’ opinions, but not fully myself.
Then I went to university...
... Away from home, away from school, to a completely different city and a new group of friends. The fear was still there, but I also saw it as a new chance. Strangely enough, I started by coming out to near strangers in a club. “I’m pan!” I shouted while dancing with my new friends. I was terrified. But what I got was cheering all around me, a new beer in my hand, and a high five. And we danced on. That was it. No jeering, no insults, no “Oh, you’ll get over it.” To the beat of ‘DJ Got Us Fallin’ in Love,’ a weight lifted from my shoulders. Who I choose to love has no impact on anyone else on that dancefloor. Whether I’m scared or not, we all keep dancing in the end.
Over that first year at uni, I told friends and colleagues, and eventually, my family. And it’s still a bit nerve-wracking. Sometimes I get an “Oh, okay…” and sometimes an “Oh, that’s cool! Thanks for sharing!” Sometimes I get questions, sometimes I get distance from Christian and traditional family members. That’s never easy. But then I hear Usher in my head and feel that slap on my shoulder. There are plenty of others who accept me for who I am. The freedom I’ve given myself to be who I want to be outweighs the distance they create.
I’m feeling that same freedom more and more...
...in my daily life, including at X. From my very first day, my colleagues made it clear that they couldn’t care less how I identify. We’re a team. Working for a company that creates space not just for students but also for staff is a breath of fresh air. We have so much fun together, it’s a great atmosphere, and everything is open for discussion. X accepts me for who I am and lets me be my full self.
My coming out is just one of many, and I’m aware of how lucky I’ve been. I understand the fear and the potential consequences for some. But the world is too big to lock yourself away in the smallest space. You deserve to be who you are. Dare to take the chance. I promise you, just outside your own circle, there are so many others ready to catch you. You’ll definitely find plenty in the corridors at X. And no matter how scary it can be, know that there’s always someone at X who understands what you’re going through. I’m thinking of you, with lots of love!
